MBA CHRONICLES: My gift to Me!!!

Two years ago, around the same time of the year, sitting on the bed losing sleep over a lot of things was wondering where would it all end up. The coffee was getting cold. The coffee was namesake, I was wide awake looking at my entrance exam results. I couldn't believe my eyes as i checked them a thousand times to check if it was really true. It was my Visa to go back to college.

Random thoughts ran through my mind. Very cynical about the way things would shape up when the University gates would reopen for me again. There were a lot of decisions to be made. Some of them so important that one person had to wait for another 3 years for her marriage. Some of them so difficult that i would lose the source that would fill my bank account every month for the next two years. Over and above all of this I was more fidgety about the way I would gel into the crowd. majority of the students would be children who had just finished graduation.
Things at my office made my decisions simpler. I was a hellhole and I wanted to get out of it at all cost. There were some easy ways though: I could jump to another job, but i wasn't sure that the things would change much. There were hordes of people advising me on what to do. Some said switching jobs was the best idea. Some asked me to continue in the technical field. Being an engineer, these were almost logical. But thoughts in my brains were stuck to Management education.
I chose CHRIST UNIVERSITY to be my Alma Mater.

The interviews and the group discussions were a breeze and the day before I joined Christ, I heard a lot of stories about the same. Some said Its "Gods' own Country" 's branch office. Some said they were so strict that cops sometime mistook it to be the JAIL. This proved right the first day i entered the place. I was completely out of place. my fellow students talked a language i couldn't even try to listen to. I was told I was put into "I" section again in the same Malayalam Accent. The same kind of panic ran through my body the first day i went to kinder Gar ten. I was all but comfortable. But it was the day I was reborn. I could rewrite a lot of things that went wrong previously. It was a rare opportunity and I had no plans to ruin it. ( There had been a lot of things that had gone wrong in my graduation. I was just another Brick in the wall. I was a part of a herd and hardly seen. I wasn't even Unpopular leave alone being popular. I was Invisible. I completed my graduation no one even knew i was a part of the course. I wanted to change that & CHRIST gave me that opportunity. )

Now, Last month to go for the course to end, as I stand by the University gates, there is a sense of familiarity. The jitters are replaced with a sense of calmness whenever I enter the place. This was the place which made me re look, re write and re-engineer my career. It brought out qualities in me that i never knew of. I survived the two years, and survived quite well. and now as i leave, a sense of heaviness pulls me back.

Thank you CUIM... for Giving My SELF back to Me!!!

A Year Lost in Transition

There have been lots of days in this year where i have sat down, thought about lots of things from my career to my travel fantasies to my life after MBA to my photography as to where it is heading. The year got lost somewhere in between all this. Its already 10 days into the last month of the year and i wake up now and Check where was i lost. There are absolutely 1000s of reasons for which i can hate and have to forget this year. It was 300 days of rubbish and cribbing. The rest 45 days till now have kept me moving.

It has been more than a year i have posted a photo on my photo blog. I don't want to kill it... I sit and shed tears whenever i see that, but other than that i haven't done anything productive to kick start it again. It was a thing that kept me motivated and moving at one point and now i have been so busy searching my life that i have lost most of the valuable moments in life. Now I have broken my Camera. The most priced possession i had and all i have now is a pile of rubble (Exaggerating).

I loved to write and i did so somewhere or the other either in one of my earlier blogs or in a diary. The last time i picked up the dairy was to crib about something and the blog has been a perfect partner for my birthday posts. It all started when i saw everyone bliogging. I thought it was cool. I started. It helped me a lot and now again i lost it somewhere in transition.

I also loved traveling. I want to travel all my life's savings. But I haven't made any attempt in that direction.

Seeing all this, I feel Disgusted about myself. I feel like a wannabe. This is probably because there are too many souls now a days who are suddenly in love with photography and who want to travel. I fear that people might think i am another amateur.

This year has personified the feeling a lot more. I have done a lot of things in this year, but when i look back at it, its all blur and blank. I see nothing substantial.

If at all there was a book of my life, 2014 would be 300 pages of blank sheets. Nothing written or something illegible scribbled.

I have made enough resolutions, I have moved on from the fact that i have to make resolutions to achieve something.

2014 GET LOST..

Twenty Five..

This is the fourth year in a row I have been dutifully writing birthday posts and I start exactly at the same time. Its around 11:30 at night when everyone else is asleep and you wait for the clock to strike twelve so that you can say you are officially an year old now.

So Its been 25 years and now i can put down my cribs as my Quarter Life Crisis.

This is the time I take a recap of the year that has passed. 2014 has not been the greatest year. Not that a lot has gone bad but nothing has been outstanding. College has been monotonous and same. Only now there is some excitement planned. My life has taken a turn for good. I am pretty sure the next and the coming years are going to be different and good. (Details later). As I had no much expectations of the year, it lived up to it and was bland (barring a few mind boggling instances)

The most saddest part of the year was in the last month when I broke my camera. It has been a priced possession and i sank that day like never before. I am still kicking myself for it. Hard times for the photographer in me. :(

New year!! New Hopes! New Desires!!! Hope everything goes very well and things in my mind take a rest for good.

Happy 25th to me!!!

I have planned to close down this blog and start writing on Tumblr (if you are really interested:  http://www.memoriesandmegapixels.tumblr.com/)

Just for a day

Just for a day.. I want to stop worrying... I don't want to think about the day to come..
Just for a day I don't want to get up and feel sleepy again.
Just for a day I don't want to crib about the traffic that haunts me early morning.
Just for a day.. I want yo stop worrying about impending assignments.
Just for a day I want to be free from boring lectures..
Just for a day I want to stop thinking about how to get back home without swearing at the traffic..
Just for a day I want to be free from all the petty issues with my phone..
Just for a day I want to stop the feeling of a rat race
Just for a day I want to stop running so that I can catch my breath
Just for a day I want to sit and talk to everyone I love...
Just for a day I want a break desperately
Just for a day I want a Sunday in the middle of a week.

Another rant...

Disclaimer: This post is not suitable for everyone. If u think you are going to be offended, stop reading, then STFU and go sing rhymes.

if you are still reading, don't tell me i had not warned.

Ever imagined the feeling of a hot rod being thrust up the ass..?? can't remove it coz its hot and will burn the hands, cant keep it there for obvious reasons..
if u think that is gross, then imagine this...

Made to bend down.. hands and legs bound.. now a red hot rod is thrust up..
Now, this is somewhat similar to what i'm experiencing in the office. I dont really know where i found the analogy, but i sometimes end up comparing myself to a prostitute. inside office i imagine bending down, pants down and let the manager and then the TL have a hearty session... All this for the meager sum they pay me at the end of the month.
And the fun part is, i don't derive pleasure. so it can literally termed as RAPE...
From one project to another, it has been the same case. I travel close to a whopping 100 kms a day all for this shit. The people in the team make the feeling worse. Not a single person whom i can relate to.

1. Manager: 13 years of work experience, working with a team of highly effecient ppl,   he   is the most hard working manager i've come across. he must be wondering where did i find this douche bag?

2. My 4 TLs: Amazingly talented people. minimum of 5 years of experience. they come at 9 in the morning. have tea at 11. go to have lunch at 1:30 and be back exactly at 2. again a break at 3 and then nonstop marathon till 9 in the night. My manager's sweet darlings...... i sometimes wonder how would they make love.. exactly 3 minutes of foreplay.. 5 strokes... done and dusted... get ready for the next day... come on guys have a life...

3. People On site: There are probably 4 of them On site... there is one guy in london..  A certified asshole.. he wants people to make power point presentations for every single doubt we have. and there are others i don't know much about..

All these people mentioned above have one thing in common. they literally love their jobs.. and then there is the other group-

4. rest of the team: the frustrated lot. a group of 3 to 4 people... always talking about how pathetic the project is. Always discussing ways to destroy the project.. the manager's nightmares. I almost head this group. given a chance my manager would have us executed with out any trial. according to him a mistake is considered a cardinal sin. When a deadline is crossed its as if Sita crossing the lakshman rekha.. We are supposed to finish a module in generally 3 days which takes all of 2 weeks for us to complete, we are never short of work and never far away from missing a deadline.

 To top this all, most of my friends are on bench, some are on projects where they are asked not to work.. and others are always nearing a project release and wont have any work. And on top of all of this i travel from one end of the city to the other in peak hour traffic.

There are times when i have felt suicidal, i have planned to smash the monitor on the ground and run circles around the office, or just scream loudly and run away. and it has not changed from the past 7 months.
I fear i'm very close to depression. or the total opposite... turning wild and aggressive.

I have made many blunders in my life... and joining this company has to be the top of the charts.

PS. any suggestions to overcome this is welcome..
PPS: Dont tell time will heal everything... i've been waiting and it hasn't. 

A NEW BEGINNING

        I didn't want to repeat the last year's birthday post, but it has been a similar year to the previous one.: I still am cynical about my life and its future...

          Only difference is, this time around, i have completed My engineering degree, havesuccessfully belled the C.A.T once... (but then untied the bell.. :D), struggled around with the engineering Project, got into a job (but have been waiting for the joining date), and co-incidentally, i would be joining on the very same day as my 23rd birthday... :P

         Come 24th October, my life takes a turn for sure.. but not necessarily in the right direction. Then I will enter a field totally alien to me.Till now for me computers were only for the entertainment part of it and never before i have even tried to write programs (except for the exam early in the engineering course, where i felt i was held under point blank to write them). So i can't write programs to save my life and come next week i will start making a living by doing the same... I again don't know if i have made the right choice or not. The last Week left before i can say I am officially a 23 year old ass... This last week is the time to reflect upon the past year

          This year has been strange in many ways than one... First was the super good news of clearing CAT, then it was clearing placements, but later i was told i was not supposed to take up interviews for any other companies from college. This was the first major set back.. then came the Final semester engineering Project which was a total disaster(I still don't know what was the project about and how it worked).. And when i was relived that i had completed engineering, the insanely boring 5 months idle time before i join the company... I know people would say this is the only time we get to enjoy and we have to make the best of it... But to me, 5 months is helluva long time (even to enjoy)...

           But, these 5 months of my life has been a life changing one for more reasons than one..Firstly memories in megapixels happened (I had never thought that i would go beyond 5 photos), I hope it continues. Then, I was able to make some very very good friends whom i never thought i would talk to, But i'd never regret doing so... next it gave me the time to think about myself at last. I have had enough of compromises, enough of fear for what people would think and say. Time to change all that. I think i have figured out the right way to live(Better late than never :D)... but only time would tell how successful I am.  

So, entering a totally new life in a week's time, completing 22 years of my life and Hopefully will make a New Beginning...
Advance Wishes... HAPPY 23rd BIRTHDAY to me :)

An excerpt from the Diary.. A letter

A rainy evening, by the window sill, sipping a cup of hot freshly brewed coffee, I sit, enjoy the smell of the rains and the coffee and I feel relaxed...  

 I feel I’m more relaxed than before. It has been a week after u said goodbye to me, you stopped talking to me, and you said you had other priorities in life while you were the only priority in my life. I never thought I would be so free after all this. It has changed me as a person; it has made me stronger, and u have helped me learn some of the most important life lessons in life. 

But sometimes when I think of the relationship we had in the past one year, I felt nothing was wrong then, I felt my life was the most happiest, I had someone to care for me; I knew the feeling of love, care. Then it was just you, me and nothing else.  I felt you were the best person born on this earth and we were destined to meet. You changed my life altogether... I was to the face while talking before I met you, but that changed, when I knew that you laughed at my silly jokes just because I was sensitive and didn’t want to hurt me. I never believed in myself before, but the pep talks you gave me, or the shoulder you lend me when I’m down have made me a confident person now.  When I held your hand when we walked, I just wanted to tell that I would be there with you always...

And again when I think of it now, you never shared anything with me, when you were down. I never had an opportunity to show that I cared for you. I always felt it was one way traffic. I never got to know about your hidden feelings. And I never asked you why. But it was shocking to know that you never trusted me. Isn’t trust the basic foundation of any relationship?

When you didn’t want to tell about us with our friends, it was the hardest thing to maintain that we were just friends with them. When they got to know the fact, it killed the trust they had in me but I didn’t mind because you were still with me. But what is wrong if others come to know about it?? Falling in Love with a friend is not a crime. Or is it? 

Lately, you had a say in every decision of mine, but the funny thing was I never featured in the decisions I had to take. It always happened the way you wanted it. But even then I didn’t mind, coz a relationship is where you respect others decisions.  But did you respect mine?? 

And finally a week back, when you said you had other priorities in life and weren’t ready for a relationship, I was shocked... I didn’t know what to do for days. I thought this was the end, my life had no meaning..

Slowly I realised, Life is an amazing equalizer... I was the happiest person sometime ago, but it all has to come to an end, and when you feel that that all the happiness has been lost...

This morning, when I received a message saying, “let’s get back together”, I switched off my mobile, grabbed a cup of coffee, enjoying the evening rains sat by the Window sill, I felt relaxed...  

                                                                                                                                       

YOU

Recently i came across an essay written by one of my cousins for an essay competition.. It was about Who is he as a person., it was about the importance to know oneself from the inside to break the barriers and achieve something...The same thing was even written by one of my friend in her blog.

I have never had this thought or an opportunity to know myself better mainly because i have never had time for myself..

I love being alone, but that doesn't mean that I am with myself. When i'm alone, my thoughts escape from me and it makes me difficult to think about myself.. Once i planned to do, i found that Knowing myself was the toughest thing ever possible... I had no means to achieve it. I planned to ask my immediate relatives and friends to tell me what i'm, but that would only lead to them giving opinions about me. The only person who could know me well was myself but it was hard to get the thought process running that way...

Still i do not know how to go about it.. But what i got to know is that, the advantage of knowing oneself is immense. All barriers can be broken as we know what we can achieve., It helps us in improving as a human being, to know our weakness and limitations, to utilize our strengths, to live for the moment and not plan for the future which in turn helps us in enjoying the living more rather than planning for when dead..

So take time, know about yourself, because you will never find a better and a unique person that the person inside YOU